Yesterday, a well-meaning friend tried to "hook me up" with a guy she felt would be "a good match" for me. He's "Christian," touts himself as "evolved" and "a good catch" for "the right woman." I'm not sure how it was initiated; whether he saw my profile and asked the friend to put in a good word, or the friend initiated the matchmaking. At any rate, the man's looking for "a wife." The friend thought I'd be a good candidate for him.
I got the feeling that the friend thought I was in the market for a man. I am not. I don't pursue men. I remember 2 times that I pursued a male, and they were both when I was in college. Quite a while ago. I also don't pursue friends. These types of connections are sacred unions; I don't take friends or partner relationships lightly. I strongly feel mutual interest comes through DIVINE INTERVENTION. Forced unions have a false foundation. No "glue."
As much as my friend thought I'd be impressed by the guy's profile that was forwarded for me to read, I was not. I don't identify with any religion. This person projects himself as a devout Christian. But more significantly, I'm very leery of anyone who is intent on PURSUING someone. That's A LOT OF ENERGY to be projecting OUTSIDE OF SELF. Seems his consciousness would serve to help him realize no matter how much he tries to make something happen, it's ONLY going to happen when - and IF it is meant to happen! Like my girl Veronica says, "What is yours will come to you; what you run after, you never get." That's pretty basic understanding.
Not to mention - I don't see myself involved with any man who's eating KFC, burgers, and milk products. Or, even a "vegetarian" on a heavy starch and soy diet. Levels of desperation such as his is typically fueled by a toxic diet such as I described. There can be no clarity; no HARMONY when the Body Temple is being contaminated with Lactic, Uric, and Carbonic Acid. It wreaks havoc on the nervous system; all the internal organs. I seriously doubt he's taken the time to understand what's UNDERNEATH his desperation to have a wife.
As for the friend who was attempting to "hook us up," she seemed more of a "match" for him than I did. Like him, she's Christian, and she expressed that he has characteristics that SHE admires. So I asked her - "Why don't YOU pursue him? You seem to think he's a 'good catch', and you're both single, seems you two have much in common..." She replied, "He's out of my league..."
I have NO IDEA what she meant by that! He certainly wasn't in MY LEAGUE! From what I read, he might as well be from Mars and me from Venus!
My friend's feelings disturbed me. If he was such a "great catch" to her, why did he seem good enough for me - but not for her? Is she seeing herself "lesser" than him; "lesser" than me?
And - she seemed to feel that I was passing up something really "special"; kept egging me to at least communicate with him. I could see CLEARLY that he wasn't someone I could "cozy up to." But more significantly, my friend seemed to think that just because I am single, I necessarily want to have a man in my life. Goes with the training BOTH SEXES have been conditioned into; that a woman needs a man to be "complete." Men feel the same way - although this notion is a lot heavier on females. If a woman doesn't have a man - ESPECIALLY if she's older - she's a "spinster"; and "old maid." A man is an "eligible bachelor"; something more "distinguished." The very tone of that term implies he's "the prize."
It was as if my friend couldn't fathom I, a single woman, would pass up this "prize-of-a-man." But what my friend doesn't realize is, I have no objection to a union based on DIVINE INTERVENTION. Conversely, I felt DESPERATION coming from him - AND HER. I felt she was projecting negative reflections of how SHE FEELS about of being single and "alone." I don't feel "bad" about being either! I understand that I AM NOT IN CONTROL, and if it's meant for me to be with someone, I will know with absolutely certainty who that person is when - or IF - they come into my periphery. I'm in no rush to be involved with a man; shit - I've got a lot of re-acquainting with SELF to nurture!
Being single is a very special time; it's a time to get to know yourself like never before; without any "interjections" from someone outside of you. If one is willing to be truthful to Self about Self, it can be the Time of Your Life! I'm in Celebration. And these days, I'm much more astute when it comes to "premature interruptions" of "ME TIME." I know who I can hang with, and who can hang with me. Not many - even in the area of friends. It ain't about "quantity"; it's about QUALITY. I'd rather have a few TRUE FRIENDS than a room full of superficial "acquaintances" ANY DAY. I'm an a-typical Gemini, in that respect. I'm uncomfortable with "small talk." I'm really not all that "social." I prefer to be amongst people who have a mutual love and reverence for me. I can feel "hater energy" a mile away!
I really hope women will come to realize their power; that a man doesn't "complete" them. Men like the one my friend was trying to introduce me to need to understand they'll never find happiness in a woman, or any one or any thing else. Happiness IS. Life is what YOU make it; happiness cannot be achieved by going outside of yourself. No woman/man/house/car/clothes/amount of money will result in lasting fulfillment. The very fact that Life is Dynamic is indication that these things cannot sustain you. YOU sustain you. Fall in love with THAT.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Mrs. Willie Lee Parks "Cousin Willie", R.I.P.
Driving to a poetry set one Sunday, I thought of my Cousin Willie. In her 90's, she was in a nursing home, eating pureed crap I know she couldn't stand but ate anyway 'till she could no longer stand it anymore. I even fed it to her. It got to the point I didn't like coming to see her during lunch, but it was really the only time I could actually interact with her. And she appreciated it. Sometimes, it seemed she couldn't believe I would actually come all the way out to the North Side to visit her. That made me sad.
What also made me sad, as I was driving to that poetry set, was that I wished she wasn't living that life in that nursing home anymore. I know she hated it, and she wanted to go home. But there was no way she could go back home. It was literally "the end of the road" for her.
I actually wanted her to pass, and there was a part of me that felt guilty about that for a minute. I hated seeing her suffer; wanting her to pass felt like some selfish desire on my part. But at the same time, I had another selfish agenda. I wanted her to live, too. Because I would miss her.
She went into hospice last week. Her heart rate was very low, and her body cold. The doctor didn't expect her to last the night, but the next day, she rallied. Her heart rate went up; extremities warmed. It was as if she didn't want to enter that corridor to the unknown. She fought with ALL HER MIGHT to stay here. She was breathing so laboriously, I didn't know how her frail, aging frame could keep up with the energy she had to be expending to breathe like that. Heavy; in and out, through the mouth. Not congested, but very laborious. Her throat had to be parched. Her son and the nurses had to sponge lubricants in her mouth, to keep it moist.
I did sing to her once. I felt self-conscious about singing to her while others were around. I managed to get some time alone with her earlier in the week, and sang lyrics I wrote to Monk's Mood, a Thelonius Monk composition.
Last night, I crashed on the couch in her hospice room. Her son had left hours before. I didn't leave until close to 2am. I could've sung to her then, but I didn't. Felt kinda "groggy"; thought it better to get on the road. Fortunately, it was a short drive.
Didn't sleep well, once I got home. It was hot (I'm conserving on a/c); and because I slept earlier, I wasn't that sleepy anymore.
This morning, her son/my cousin called to say she passed around 9am. He was with her the entire time. I'm glad she didn't die alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so late the other night. The a/c was refreshing, too.
I feel kinda empty today. I don't have her to visit anymore. No one to tend to; I liked bringing her clothing items, and finding good deals on natural body products. I felt since this was "the end of the road" for her, I'd try to provide her with some of the finer things.
Just now, I was reminded of another relative that I loved dearly, that was also in a nursing home before she passed. My aunt; Cousin Willie's first cousin. I'd like to dedicate a blog to "Sis"; don't want to go into her story here, except to say I may have been making up for the attention I did not give my aunt. Hers is a pretty complicated story. I'll save for later.
Cousin Willie and her sister Lois were very cool. I used to like to visit Lois, too. She died several years earlier from a liver disease. I only got familiar with them both about a year before Lois passed. My mother brought me by their houses one day (the sisters lived around the corner from each other). Mommy said she wanted me to know my cousins. Glad she did that.
Down-to-earth. I really loved them both for that. Plus, Cousin Willie provided a lot of "history" of my mother's side of the family; the Jackson side. What a history! It reads like a scandalous novel. THAT's another story, too.
Cousin Willie was the last that could tell those stories. I'll miss her, but I'm glad I got to know and love her. Haven't been able to bring myself to sing for her yet. It will come, I guess...
What also made me sad, as I was driving to that poetry set, was that I wished she wasn't living that life in that nursing home anymore. I know she hated it, and she wanted to go home. But there was no way she could go back home. It was literally "the end of the road" for her.
I actually wanted her to pass, and there was a part of me that felt guilty about that for a minute. I hated seeing her suffer; wanting her to pass felt like some selfish desire on my part. But at the same time, I had another selfish agenda. I wanted her to live, too. Because I would miss her.
She went into hospice last week. Her heart rate was very low, and her body cold. The doctor didn't expect her to last the night, but the next day, she rallied. Her heart rate went up; extremities warmed. It was as if she didn't want to enter that corridor to the unknown. She fought with ALL HER MIGHT to stay here. She was breathing so laboriously, I didn't know how her frail, aging frame could keep up with the energy she had to be expending to breathe like that. Heavy; in and out, through the mouth. Not congested, but very laborious. Her throat had to be parched. Her son and the nurses had to sponge lubricants in her mouth, to keep it moist.
I did sing to her once. I felt self-conscious about singing to her while others were around. I managed to get some time alone with her earlier in the week, and sang lyrics I wrote to Monk's Mood, a Thelonius Monk composition.
Last night, I crashed on the couch in her hospice room. Her son had left hours before. I didn't leave until close to 2am. I could've sung to her then, but I didn't. Felt kinda "groggy"; thought it better to get on the road. Fortunately, it was a short drive.
Didn't sleep well, once I got home. It was hot (I'm conserving on a/c); and because I slept earlier, I wasn't that sleepy anymore.
This morning, her son/my cousin called to say she passed around 9am. He was with her the entire time. I'm glad she didn't die alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so late the other night. The a/c was refreshing, too.
I feel kinda empty today. I don't have her to visit anymore. No one to tend to; I liked bringing her clothing items, and finding good deals on natural body products. I felt since this was "the end of the road" for her, I'd try to provide her with some of the finer things.
Just now, I was reminded of another relative that I loved dearly, that was also in a nursing home before she passed. My aunt; Cousin Willie's first cousin. I'd like to dedicate a blog to "Sis"; don't want to go into her story here, except to say I may have been making up for the attention I did not give my aunt. Hers is a pretty complicated story. I'll save for later.
Cousin Willie and her sister Lois were very cool. I used to like to visit Lois, too. She died several years earlier from a liver disease. I only got familiar with them both about a year before Lois passed. My mother brought me by their houses one day (the sisters lived around the corner from each other). Mommy said she wanted me to know my cousins. Glad she did that.
Down-to-earth. I really loved them both for that. Plus, Cousin Willie provided a lot of "history" of my mother's side of the family; the Jackson side. What a history! It reads like a scandalous novel. THAT's another story, too.
Cousin Willie was the last that could tell those stories. I'll miss her, but I'm glad I got to know and love her. Haven't been able to bring myself to sing for her yet. It will come, I guess...
My Dis-ease!
This morning, I'm feeling like my previous post is a testament to MY DIS-EASE. Everybody's at their respective places in their Life Journey; reflecting on my comments, I'm seeing I was being somewhat judgmental as to where they are, in relationship to where I am.
The stuff touted as "food" is ADDICTIVE. It took me many, MANY YEARS to get to the little landmark I've reached today. And I STILL struggle with the deleterious effects of starch, though I'm not nearly as addicted. My thing these days is NUTS. My friend thinks maybe it's because my body is craving so-called "protein." I feel I eat them in excess, because I always have this lingering mucous in my throat, that I'm constantly clearing. But I still go for those nuts! My dis-ease!
I don't regret posting that "rant," and I will leave it up - as a reminder to me as to how dis-eased I am!
The stuff touted as "food" is ADDICTIVE. It took me many, MANY YEARS to get to the little landmark I've reached today. And I STILL struggle with the deleterious effects of starch, though I'm not nearly as addicted. My thing these days is NUTS. My friend thinks maybe it's because my body is craving so-called "protein." I feel I eat them in excess, because I always have this lingering mucous in my throat, that I'm constantly clearing. But I still go for those nuts! My dis-ease!
I don't regret posting that "rant," and I will leave it up - as a reminder to me as to how dis-eased I am!
Friday, July 3, 2009
EVERYBODY'S Drinkin' the Kool Aide!!!
I just got the revelation. It's time to get outta here!
What I mean is - it's time to get away from so-called "civilization." Everybody's "drinkin' the kool aide," and it's causing everybody to be deaf, dumb, and blind! And - from my vantage point, it's a DANGEROUS place to be in the middle of it.
Most everybody thinks it's perfectly fine to eat garbage and be sick from it. Most everybody thinks it's "acceptable" to be "P.M.S."ing and "going off." The vast majority of folks are out here in COMPLETE DENIAL of their behavior towards others.
I just had an exchange on the internet with someone I used to be acquainted with, through our mutual interests. This person found me through one of the social internet sites. When I knew the person, they seemed VERY disturbed; reflected in the way the person was verbally abusive to me. The person even PHYSICALLY assaulted a friend of mine - for no reason that was apparent TO US. Now mind you - this happened at least 20 years ago, but today, the person remembers NOTHING of these events; even said I was TOTALLY MISTAKEN. Not to mention - this person views me as a friend; said they "thought we were (cool)." I NEVER saw the person as such, nor do I see them as such today.
Maybe I'm the "off" one; I assumed that since there's so much information out here regarding self-help -- via OPRAH, first and foremost (I first heard of Louise Hay and Geneen Roth via "Ms. O") -- that people would take steps to heal and become more "evolved" in their personal development. I get "Enlightened Beings" postings through the internet ABSOLUTELY FREE. I'm no "different" or "special" than anyone else; I've got "issues," like everybody else. If my "sick 'n twisted" lil' behind can access and utilize certain READILY AVAILABLE INFORMATION, then...
You know - I'm getting ready to ask a really DUMB ASS QUESTION: "Why can't everyone else?" A former acquaintance used to say, "Why is the question asked by 85% of the population, but can only be answered by GOD." WHY is not the question; for me, WHAT is the question. WHAT am I GOING TO DO?
The answer that came to me -- as I was feeling bewildered by how blissfully unconscious the vast majority of folks are I encounter -- was/is, "HEAD FOR THE HILLS!"
I rarely come out of my house, because I don't like having conversations that make no sense! And, most EVERYBODY is talking NONSENSE. And, they don't even know it!!
I just came from somebody who at one minute said "I want to lose weight." "I'm going to stop eating out, and start cooking more at home; it's much better that way... I think I'll make some FRIED FISH tonight."
Prior to this, we were having a conversation about the liver; how the GARBAGE the average person consumes over-burdens it, causing the organ to malfunction and eventually fail. We were visiting a loved-one at a hospice facility. Someone passes by the door; an attendant, asking if anyone wanted to order a meal. I decided to ask if they had a decent salad on that menu. They did not. Mostly starch, meat, sugar, and various other forms of over-cooked "food." I said to the attendant: "No green salad?! No wonder everybody's DYING up in here! Y'all make SURE that happens, by what you're feeding these people!"
This exchange took place in the hallway. When I came back in, the same person who said they're making fried fish for dinner said, "You shouldn't say that!!! What if people in the rooms heard you?"
I replied, "They NEED to hear me! They need to know GARBAGE KILLS."
After the person made the incongruent comments about eating healthier and frying fish for dinner, I had ENOUGH. I wanted to spend more time with my loved one, but I couldn't take making senseless conversation anymore.
I remember being totally unaware of certain things, too. BUT -- when I was HIPPED by someone or an entity I could respect, I took heed. I'd try different ways of doing things. I'd pay attention to how I felt before - and after trying it.
There are people I know that claim to be about health and healing; yet, they allow certain information to go right over their heads. Hell, there are people in the "alternative health" field that continue to practice the same ol' same shit (maybe b/c they got a degree in their studies, and don't want to admit their money spent was pretty-much a waste) that will CONTINUE to use certain methods to attempt to treat people that do not yield results, but are reticent to even CONSIDER a methodology that has been PROVEN to CURE DISEASE. Why?
There goes that question, again...
I'll be foolish enough to answer - in an over-simplified way. The "physicians" are DIS-EASED themselves! Their nervous systems are SHOT from all the starch, gluten, lactic, carbonic and uric acid, sugar, and soy they're ingesting - in the name of "health." On more than one occasion, I've had health professionals approach me -- with ROTTEN BREATH.
Can't they tell something is WRONG with them?!
And even more crazy -- why don't the people they're treating notice it?
There's that question... AGAIN!
I'll attempt to answer -- AGAIN -- with an over-simplified response:
The people don't notice or question, because they're just as sick -- if not sicker than the health practitioner.
I remember going to a "naturopath doctor" who had nasty breath. I wasn't that concerned, because I didn't want treatment from this person; I was just going for tests, to see what was wrong with me. After all - the person recommended I eat CASSAVA: a.k.a. CYANIDE SUPREME.
I knew this person was CLUELESS, at that point; I just wanted to find out what was wrong with me (I had been suffering with a chronic malady - which turned out to be pancreatitis - for some time), so I could do what I knew to do to heal it. I did eventually heal it, through a 40-day fast on herbs and liquids at the Usha Village in Honduras.
After I got home today, thinking about these clueless exchanges I'm typically subjected to whenever I step out of my house, it made me want to start saving my cash to buy a ticket and RETREAT to the Usha Village. Yeah; clueless people are there, too. But at least I can heal myself with some herbs and thermal waters, and stay to myself in my own little hut.
I actually like people. Just need to be around those I can relate to/with. They're few and far between. VERY FEW.
What I mean is - it's time to get away from so-called "civilization." Everybody's "drinkin' the kool aide," and it's causing everybody to be deaf, dumb, and blind! And - from my vantage point, it's a DANGEROUS place to be in the middle of it.
Most everybody thinks it's perfectly fine to eat garbage and be sick from it. Most everybody thinks it's "acceptable" to be "P.M.S."ing and "going off." The vast majority of folks are out here in COMPLETE DENIAL of their behavior towards others.
I just had an exchange on the internet with someone I used to be acquainted with, through our mutual interests. This person found me through one of the social internet sites. When I knew the person, they seemed VERY disturbed; reflected in the way the person was verbally abusive to me. The person even PHYSICALLY assaulted a friend of mine - for no reason that was apparent TO US. Now mind you - this happened at least 20 years ago, but today, the person remembers NOTHING of these events; even said I was TOTALLY MISTAKEN. Not to mention - this person views me as a friend; said they "thought we were (cool)." I NEVER saw the person as such, nor do I see them as such today.
Maybe I'm the "off" one; I assumed that since there's so much information out here regarding self-help -- via OPRAH, first and foremost (I first heard of Louise Hay and Geneen Roth via "Ms. O") -- that people would take steps to heal and become more "evolved" in their personal development. I get "Enlightened Beings" postings through the internet ABSOLUTELY FREE. I'm no "different" or "special" than anyone else; I've got "issues," like everybody else. If my "sick 'n twisted" lil' behind can access and utilize certain READILY AVAILABLE INFORMATION, then...
You know - I'm getting ready to ask a really DUMB ASS QUESTION: "Why can't everyone else?" A former acquaintance used to say, "Why is the question asked by 85% of the population, but can only be answered by GOD." WHY is not the question; for me, WHAT is the question. WHAT am I GOING TO DO?
The answer that came to me -- as I was feeling bewildered by how blissfully unconscious the vast majority of folks are I encounter -- was/is, "HEAD FOR THE HILLS!"
I rarely come out of my house, because I don't like having conversations that make no sense! And, most EVERYBODY is talking NONSENSE. And, they don't even know it!!
I just came from somebody who at one minute said "I want to lose weight." "I'm going to stop eating out, and start cooking more at home; it's much better that way... I think I'll make some FRIED FISH tonight."
Prior to this, we were having a conversation about the liver; how the GARBAGE the average person consumes over-burdens it, causing the organ to malfunction and eventually fail. We were visiting a loved-one at a hospice facility. Someone passes by the door; an attendant, asking if anyone wanted to order a meal. I decided to ask if they had a decent salad on that menu. They did not. Mostly starch, meat, sugar, and various other forms of over-cooked "food." I said to the attendant: "No green salad?! No wonder everybody's DYING up in here! Y'all make SURE that happens, by what you're feeding these people!"
This exchange took place in the hallway. When I came back in, the same person who said they're making fried fish for dinner said, "You shouldn't say that!!! What if people in the rooms heard you?"
I replied, "They NEED to hear me! They need to know GARBAGE KILLS."
After the person made the incongruent comments about eating healthier and frying fish for dinner, I had ENOUGH. I wanted to spend more time with my loved one, but I couldn't take making senseless conversation anymore.
I remember being totally unaware of certain things, too. BUT -- when I was HIPPED by someone or an entity I could respect, I took heed. I'd try different ways of doing things. I'd pay attention to how I felt before - and after trying it.
There are people I know that claim to be about health and healing; yet, they allow certain information to go right over their heads. Hell, there are people in the "alternative health" field that continue to practice the same ol' same shit (maybe b/c they got a degree in their studies, and don't want to admit their money spent was pretty-much a waste) that will CONTINUE to use certain methods to attempt to treat people that do not yield results, but are reticent to even CONSIDER a methodology that has been PROVEN to CURE DISEASE. Why?
There goes that question, again...
I'll be foolish enough to answer - in an over-simplified way. The "physicians" are DIS-EASED themselves! Their nervous systems are SHOT from all the starch, gluten, lactic, carbonic and uric acid, sugar, and soy they're ingesting - in the name of "health." On more than one occasion, I've had health professionals approach me -- with ROTTEN BREATH.
Can't they tell something is WRONG with them?!
And even more crazy -- why don't the people they're treating notice it?
There's that question... AGAIN!
I'll attempt to answer -- AGAIN -- with an over-simplified response:
The people don't notice or question, because they're just as sick -- if not sicker than the health practitioner.
I remember going to a "naturopath doctor" who had nasty breath. I wasn't that concerned, because I didn't want treatment from this person; I was just going for tests, to see what was wrong with me. After all - the person recommended I eat CASSAVA: a.k.a. CYANIDE SUPREME.
I knew this person was CLUELESS, at that point; I just wanted to find out what was wrong with me (I had been suffering with a chronic malady - which turned out to be pancreatitis - for some time), so I could do what I knew to do to heal it. I did eventually heal it, through a 40-day fast on herbs and liquids at the Usha Village in Honduras.
After I got home today, thinking about these clueless exchanges I'm typically subjected to whenever I step out of my house, it made me want to start saving my cash to buy a ticket and RETREAT to the Usha Village. Yeah; clueless people are there, too. But at least I can heal myself with some herbs and thermal waters, and stay to myself in my own little hut.
I actually like people. Just need to be around those I can relate to/with. They're few and far between. VERY FEW.
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